There’s no doubt that you adore your family and you enjoy all the fun stuff about the Holiday Season, but let’s be real for a second. You’ve come a long way since you were that 8 year old child who didn’t mind dealing with all those sloppy kisses and cheek pinches from Uncle John and Aunt Marlene. It seemed like a small price to pay for having off from school for a week or two and getting to play outside all day long. The holiday season was epic, in your eyes! However, now you’re at the point in your life where you’ll do just about anything to get out of having to get those same sloppy kisses and cheek pinches, you avoid those sweets like the plague because of your current detox and work out regime you’re on, and really? Do the yams have to have so much butter slathered all over it?

Now, the thought of having to sit through cousin Jimmy’s colonoscopy details at the dinner table and being put on the spot when asked when you’re going to ever meet someone and get married just chills you to the core. Better yet, your barely older first cousin and his wife just had a baby, and you have to deal with the pokes on your shoulder of everyone saying, “You’re next!” It makes you want to poke them right back in a joking banter and reply “Uh-Oh Uncle Joe! Great Aunt Myrtle passed away last year…You’re Next!” That may be a bit cruel, but so is reminding me that I’m not exactly on track to hitting all my goals I set a few years ago for my “5 Year Plan” on where I hoped to be at my age now.

What does one do when the calendar shows that just right around the corner, you’ll be in these situations about 3-4 times within a month and a half time span? How could you avoid having to go through this again for yet another year of your life? Well, I decided to make a list of “17 Tips on How to avoid Awkward Family Gatherings this Holiday Season” with you, and I wish you good luck my friends.

1. Claim you have a tummy ache. You went to that new sushi restaurant with the girls last night and you may or may not have caught some type of poison from that Sashimi appetizer. As a matter of fact, “Lindsey mentioned she wasn’t feeling well this morning” when you spoke to her too!

2. Lock yourself in the bathroom and say the door is broken. Shoot! You’ve been meaning to tell your landlord to fix this pesky doorknob. Oh well. Go on ahead without me; I’ll get my roommate to let me out when she comes home from getting her Mystic spray tan. She shouldn’t be too long.

3. Start telling sexually inappropriate jokes and/or stories about your previous weekend to your Great Aunt Eugenia until your mom tells you to take a cab home and nap off that Pinot Noir that she thinks your buzzing from.

4. Take up yoga. Leave to meditate. With your career, you’ve incorporated more Zen time into your life per your boss’ recommendation. She’s genuinely worried about your wellness and stress levels, and she’s your boss! You have to do it.

5. Develop a clothing/detergent allergy. “I’m sorry too, cousin Tammy, I had no idea that your laundry detergent contained carboxymethyl cellulose. Ugh! It’s my fault really; I should’ve known to ask that before today.”

6. Take a vow of silence. You’ve recently taken interest in exploring and learning more about Monk culture ever since your DVR accidentally recorded this featured program on the History channel when you thought you set it to record Real Housewives. To really be able to understand and connect with this, your goal is to follow as many of their daily habits as possible to experience this personal, spiritual growth within yourself.

7. Act like you’ve seen a fly that’s been bothering you and flying around all morning, then smash up the table with your plate to kill it! Everyone has to go home early now that the turkey is in the dog’s food bowl and the baked macaroni is now splattered all over the TV. Blame the fit you just threw on your stressful job that your boss advised you to take up Yoga to deal with better. This could be a multi-use excuse when combined with reason number 5.

8. Pretend to be asleep. This takes commitment. Someone will inevitably slap your cheek or throw water in your face. You must not react. You must have Jedi skills to conquer this one. If you’re not advanced enough for this, do not, I repeat…DO NOT attempt this

9. Say you have an urgent business call with Japan. Your extremely non-cultured family won’t ask for details on this, because they know that is something outside of their understanding that part of your job.

10. You caught a rare case of the sister virus to Ebola which is yet un-named. But don’t worry mom and dad; just tell the family that it’s a curable sickness and that I should be back to feeling better around January 2 (when all holiday gatherings wind down after New Years Day).

11. Convert to a religion that doesn’t believe in celebrations, family, or joy overall. Now that you’re an adult and can make your own choices on religions tied into family gatherings around the holidays, you’ve taken to “Deism”, and we don’t do these types of things. “Seriously though, that is a religion mother, Google it!”

12. Hire a lawyer to prove that you are adopted. Due to your recent conversion in religion, it’s believed that when one gathers together with those who aren’t blood relatives, you are disgraced and removed from the religion. Therefore, they must provide support that shows your theories are untrue before attending these “soiree’s”

13. Cite the disease, Anthropophobia: a fear of groups of people. This is nothing to take lightly. You’ve recently had a terrible anxiety attack when you were forced to have to walk into the crowded DMV that day you had to get your drivers license renewed.

14. When they call you the day of the gathering to see where you are, just turn to your new religion, Deism, by saying, “What’s a holiday to a king? What’s a king to a god? What’s a god to a non-believer?” If someone calls you out on quoting Kanye West and Jay-Z, stop, stare back at them, and just take off running.

15. Only speak in rhyme. Use the Dr. Seuss method, you’ll annoy everyone so much, you’ll easily be excused.

16. Start training for a marathon at the very minute that your family arrives. Do stretches in your attire and say, “Feel free to help yourselves guys. I have this 5k that I’m gearing up for next month and I’ve got to keep my eye on the prize here! Hope you all enjoy yourselves!” then jet out the door. Remember to keep your car parked around the block with a change of clothes and do not forget to bring the wine!

17. You started a seasonal job for extra cash. I mean, they never cease to remind you that you’re an adult and single with no children, so it’s not easy to live off of just one income, right? Well, there you go! They should understand that there isn’t dual income coming in your life, so you have to pay the bills somehow! Everyone will understand, I’m sure.

May the excuse gods be on your side this holiday season. Do you have any tips to share? Leave them in the comments below!